Who Wants to be Harry Potter?
by jenniferyvonne
Summary: WGN the Wizarding Gameshow Network attempts to make a reality show based on Harry. Everything goes haywire from there.
1. Chapter 1

Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

by squirrelgirl123

To: Harry Potter 

From: WGN, CEO

Subject: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

Mr. Potter,

We, the Wizarding Gameshow Network would like your permission to stage a reality show entitled, "Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?". The purpose of this show will be to discover if contestants have what it takes to be Harry Potter. They will pit themselves against the forces of the media, Virtu-Voldemort, and a variety of other tests designed to winnow down the contestants until only one person remains... the next Harry Potter.

You will, of course, receive a substantial sum (exact amount negotiable) for the use of your name, and exclusive rights for interviews about the contestants. On behalf of all of us at WGN, please accept our offer, and bring in a new era of reality television.

Sincerely,

Ludo Bagman

To: Ron Weasley; Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

Ron, Hermione,

I just got an e-mail from WGN asking me if they can do a reality TV show called, "Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?' where poor dumb wizards get to try to be me. What should I tell them?

-Harry

P.S. Since when is Ludo Bagman the head of WGN?

To: Harry Potter

cc: Hermione Granger

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Re: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

Harry,

How much did they offer you? Seriously, let them do it. If anyone's enough of a prat to try out for it, that's their problem.

-Ron

To: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

Harry,

I agree with Ron (and I don't do that very often.) The show is destined for failure from the start... how can they tell who's adequately equipped to become you? Voldemort's already dead; perhaps they hadn't figured that out yet?

-Hermione

To: WGN, CEO

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

Ludo,

Go ahead, see if I care. The substantial sum will,of course, be negotiated. (100,000 galleons is within an acceptable range.) You do realize that no one's going to watch it.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ludo Bagman

Subject: You're Wrong

Harry,

Nonsense, my dear boy. Muggle reality shows have made millions off people watching stupid people preform stupider tasks; why should wizards be any different? Coincidentally, I have deposited the sum of 150,000 galleons into your Gringotts vault.

-Ludo

To: Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Ludo thinks you're wrong

Guys,

Ludo just payed me 150,000 galleons for having a scar. It's not among the best perks, but I'll take it. Anyway, he thinks we're wrong, and that the wizarding public is stupid enough to watch this show. He told me, "Muggle reality shows have made millions off people watching stupid people preform stupider tasks; why should wizards be any different?" I'm hoping he underestimated the general public.

-Harry

P.S. As for evaluated contestants, one word Hermione: Virtu-Voldemort.

To: Harry Potter

cc: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Virtu-Voldemort?

Harry,

Virtu-Voldemort? I am going to watch this show.

-Ron

To: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: Virtu-Voldemort?

Ron,

You are so immature. Harry, that's ridiculous. I looked up WGN for you. Appearantly, Ludo botched almost everything after the goblin incident (Triwizard Tournament), and reality television was the only thing left that he couldn't destroy. I, for one, am having second thoughts about that.

-Hermione

To: Mum

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Guess what?

Mum,

Guess what? There's going to be a reality show based on Harry on WGN sometime soon. And you say I never tell you anything.

Love,

Ron

To: My ungrateful offspring

From: Your Mother

Subject: Re: Guess what?

Dear Ron,

I do wish you would send me things by owl post, it's so much more thoughtful. You young people, it's convenience over quality these days. Besides, then you would send me more than TWO LINES! Ronald Weasley, just because you're an Auror doesn't mean that you don't have time to write your mother. Really, a reality show based on Harry? That sounds rather interesting, don't you think? I shall have to talk to Harry about it.

Love,

Mum

To: Harry Potter

From: Molly Weasley

Harry,

Ron just wrote and told me that there is going to be a reality show based on you aired on WGN. That's fascinating! Please, send me some information about it; I'll be sure to watch your show. What is it called? (I know he's your best friend, but Ron is not an adequate correspondant.)

Love,

Mrs. Weasley.

To: Molly Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

The name of the show is 'Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?" I'm enclosing an article about it, so that you can learn more about it. I have to say, it doesn't sound like quality television to me, but as I'm getting paid, I have to watch it so that Mr. Bagman can interview me for the show.

Love,

Harry

The Daily Prophet

WGN Announces New Reality Series in the Works

A spokesman from WGN (the Wizarding Gameshow Network) announced today that a new show is in the works. The first of a series, "Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?" will give hardcore fans the chance to compete for the honor of being named the next Harry Potter, and 1 million dollars. Ludo Bagman is quoted as saying, "We want to give the fans and viewers a taste of what it's like to be Harry." at a press conference. This reporter would prefer to see Mr. Potter himself in charge of the show. The release of the series will coincide with the end of the Hogwarts school year.

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Molly Weasley

Subject: Harry

Dear Ginny,

I hope you're having a lovely time in Germany; treasure hunter was a wise choice. Everything is going well back at home. Ron is on a new case at work, and England just won another match with Harry as Seeker. It recently came to my attention that Harry is the subject of a new game show ("Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?", perhaps you read about it in the Prophet.) We shall have to watch it when you come home in June. You are coming home, aren't you? You did promise that you would take off the summer.

Love,

Mum

To: Mum

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Re: Harry

Dear Mum,

Germany is lovely; the Himmelstein castle has as whole concealed treasure chamber that I recently discovered. It has absolutely unsurpassable protection spells; I was discussing some charm-breaking methods with Hermione yesterday. She mentioned the show to me in passing; I find it interesting that Harry doesn't think it's going to suceed. I agree with Ludo, who purportedly said, "Muggle reality shows have made millions off people watching stupid people preform stupider tasks; why should wizards be any different?". Yes, I'm coming home in June, but I can only stay for two weeks. It's a high-action time for both Gringotts and the Order (I'm stationed in Romania... that should be interesting.)

Love,

Ginny

P.S. This was posted for all Gringotts employees yesterday.

ATTENTION, GRINGOTT'S EMPLOYEES

Are you a male wizard between the ages of eighteen and thirty who wants to win 1 million galleons? Are you skilled in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Quidditch? If so, you may be interested in participating in our new reality show, "Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?" If so, please contact us at; WGN, CEO Ludo Bagman. The Galleons are waiting, and so are we!

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Your Reality Show

Harry,

Congratulations on the reality show thing (and on beating Ireland.) There was a notice for Gringotts employees trying to recruit us as contestants. It was only for guys, or else I would be competing to be the next you. (That has to be weird.) What's up with you? I haven't seen you since Christmas; I'm going to be in town during the first two weeks of June, drop by the Burrow then.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: I'm beginning to hate this reality show

Ginny,

This sucks so much; you have no idea. Ron and Hermione said that no one would even watch it, but I'm beginning to doubt that. Imagine, a nationally syndicated channel showing people trying to be me! How sad is that? Thanks about Ireland. I keep saying that I'm going to settle down and be an Auror full-time (I didn't go through training for nothing), but Quidditch is too fun to stop while I'm still winning. Say, are you in Romania in July for the Order too? I think Tonks said something of the sort to me. I'll come over in June.

-Harry


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

by: squirrelgirl123

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: What's this about you corresponding with Ginny?

Harry,

Please tell me Tonks is lying and you and Ginny didn't get Romania. And that you and Ginny aren't corresponding. Harry, do you like my little sister? It's freaking me out.

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: none

Hell, no!

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: none

EXCUSE ME? Thanks a lot Harry, I happen to be a very attractive young woman, and you could have been a little more tactful.

-Ginny

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: I hate you

STOP FORWARDING MY RESPONSES TO GINNY!

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: I hate you more

I didn't.

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

cc: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: none

Oh yes you did.

-Ginny

To: Harry Potter

cc: traitor

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: I hate you both

Who's the forwarder NOW Harry?

-Ron

To: Peter Pettigrew

From: Harry Potter

Subject: You owe me.

Peter,

I'm calling in the favor you owe me for saving your life a couple years ago. I want you to knock off Ron Weasley. Okay? We'll be even.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Peter Pettigrew

Subject: No

Harry,

I was his rat. It's against my ethics. How did you get my e-mail address?

-Peter

To: Peter Pettigrew

From: Harry Potter

Subject: You have ethics?

Peter,

You're DOUBLE CROSSING SCUM! YOU DON'T HAVE ETHICS! KILL HIM!!! KILL HIM I SAY!!! I took a wild guess and typed in .

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Peter Pettigrew

Subject: Of course I have ethics

Harry,

I'm not killing Ron. He fed me.

-Peter

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: I still hate you

Ron,

You're only still alive because Peter has ethics.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Traitor

Harry,

You tried to get Peter to kill me?

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Yes

Ron,

You deserved it... FORWARDER! YOU'RE THE TRAITOR!

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ronald Weasley

Subject: You're the traitor

Harry,

You're insane.

-Ron

To: Evil Forwarding Traitor

From: The Innocent

Subject: none

Ron,

It's one of my better traits.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: hi

Harry,

Let's go get lunch at the café across the street from Ron's apartment.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: hi

Ginny,

Sure.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: How could you?

Harry,

How could you go get lunch with my SISTER in the café in front of my APARTMENT? Isn't it enough that I'm eating a stale bagel while you're snacking on a croissant? Bringing Ginny into it was cold.

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: my lunch

It was her idea.

-Harry

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: You're a genius

This is brilliant! He's furious.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny

Subject: Thanks, I know

I grew up with him. I know how to push his buttons. Send him a croissant.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: none

Ginny,

Stay out of this. I'm fighting with Harry. Why do you always take his side anyways; I'm your brother. Sometimes I think you still like him.

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

From: Your Sister

Subject: none

Ron,

I have no comment, as you're just going to forward it to Harry if I say anything.

-Ginny

To: My FORMER best friend

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Ginny's smart

Did you enjoy the croissant?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: your EX best friend

Subject: Leave my sister alone

I am never talking to you again, there are just too many things wrong with you.

-Ron

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: I'm supposed to leave you alone

Ginny,

He says he never wants to talk to me again. How should I proceed?

-Harry

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Your angry brother

Subject: You know you're on my side

Ginny,

You blood traitor, stop talking to Harry, or I'm going to tell him that you like him. Don't deny it, I know you too well. AND STOP GETTING HIM TO DO STUFF WITH YOU BY PRETENDING IT'S TO MAKE ME MAD! It's working. I have high blood pressure. Are you happy now?

-Ron.

To: Ron Weasley

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: none

Ron,

Yes. I'm very happy. And don't lie to Harry, I don't like him.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Ron

Subject: Yes you do

Oh yes you do.

To: Ron the idiot

From: Ginny

Subject: No, I don't

Oh no I don't.

To: Ginny

From: Ron

Subject: Yes you do.

To: Ron

From: Ginny

Subject: Oh no I don't

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Oh yes you do.

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Shut up

Shut up Harry, don't intercede in my family quarrels.

-Ginny

To: Ron Weasley

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: You are so DEAD

Ron,

Your traitorous FORWARDER!!!! I wish Peter didn't have principles.

-Ginny

To: Peter Pettigrew

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: I'm beginning to like you

Peter,

Thanks to your ethics, I'm still alive. What say we form a partnership and go ressurect Voldemort? He's got to be a better Lord and Master than Harry. At least he wouldn't go out with my little sister.

-Ron

To: My former owner

From: Peter Pettigrew

Subject: No way

I refuse to ressurect Voldemort, at least not with you. Don't think I don't remember who DIDN'T stand up for me in the Shrieking Shack. Rats have long memories.

-Peter Pettigrew

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: How's it going?

Ginny,

How's our great plan to get you and Harry together working? I've decided to keep a low profile until they get over themselves and stop fighting... you know who will get caught in the crossfire. Keep it up; my plans always work.

-Hermione

To: Hermione

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Re: How's it going?

Hermione,

Your plan might be working a little better if my BROTHER would stop FORWARDING Harry whatever I send him. You have no idea how overprotective he is. Okay, well, maybe you do, you're one of his best friends. How's it coming with him? I was sure he was going to ask you out last weekend.

-Ginny

To: Ron Weasley

From: Your Sister

Subject: You're such a prat... you know that, don't you?

Ron,

WHY didn't you ask Hermione out last weekend? You told me you were going to, but she didn't mention it to me. What's the point of you moaning and groaning about Hermione all the time if you don't do anything about it? You're such an idiot Ron.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: AM NOT!

Ginny,

What's the use of me moaning and groaning about Hermione if I never ask her out? cough, Harry, cough Get a grip Ginny, it will happen eventually. When I feel like it.

-Ron

To: Ginny

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: none

Ginny,

'It' is non existant. There is absolutely nothing going on between me and your brother, and at the rate he works, nothing will be. What do you think about slipping a him a potion on the side? As if I would.

-Hermione

To: Ron Weasley

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: You don't have any time to waste

Krum proposed to Hermione yesterday.

-Ginny

To: Hermione

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: What's up?

Hermione,

Want to get dinner tomorrow night? I hear there are some nice new restuarants in town. I could pick you up around six.

-Ron

To: Ron

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: What's up?

Sure, sounds good.

-Hermione

To: Ginny Weasley

From; Hermione Granger

Subject: Guess WHAT!!!

Ginny,

He asked me out! Did you tell him something?

-Hermione

To: the liar

From: Ron

Subject: none

Ginny,

LIAR! Krum didn't propose to her! You scum. For what it's worth, we had a nice time.

-Ron

To: Ron

From: The matchmaker

Subject: Don't deny it, you're going to ask her out again.

Sucker!

-Ginny

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: GUESS WHAT!

Harry,

Guess what! Okay, I'll tell you. Ron and Hermione went out last night, and I'm fairly sure that they're going to again.

-Ginny

To: Ron Weasley; Hermione Granger

From: Harry

Subject: none

So, are you registered for the wedding yet?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: I hate my sister

Harry,

I should have known Ginny would tell you. Leave us alone, I'm still not speaking to you. Ever. Don't send me stuff either. I won't answer it.

-Ron

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: No, I'm not, stay out of it.

Harry,

While they are somewhat amusing, you and Ginny's matchmaking attempts are getting annoying. Stay out of it, Harry. It's not your business. Go get whacked in the head with a bludger.

-Hermione


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

by: squirrelgirl123

To: Harry Potter

From: WGN, CEO

Subject: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter? Season Premiere

Harry,

You might be interested to learn that the 'Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?' premiere will take place on June 4th at 9:00. We've been generating a lot of hype, and we managed to select thirteen people to participate on the show. Rita Skeeter is the host. (she said you two knew went way back.)

-Ludo

To: Ludo Bagman, CEO

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Rita Skeeter? Are you CRAZY?

Ludo,

I don't care how entertaining this might turn out to be. There is no way that I am being interviewed by Rita Skeeter. End of story.

-Harry

To: Hermione Granger; Ron Weasley; Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: HELP ME!

Guys,

Can we please break off all our fights now? (Sorry in general). RITA SKEETER is going to be the host of the show... I can't do this! Last time she 'interviewed' me, half the wizarding public ended up thinking I routinely sobbed over my parents and I was in love with Hermione! DO SOMETHING!

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Re: HELP ME!

Harry,

I forgive you. Rita Skeeter? Man, that's bad. You could sic Wormtail on her instead.

-Ron

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: HELP ME!

Harry,

Don't panic. Take deep breaths; I learned this in my yoga class. It's very relaxing. Okay, first, I still have dirt on Rita Skeeter, and second, interviews are live. As long as you don't fall into the trap of any trick questions, you should be fine, right? You'll do great.

-Hermione

To: Harry Potter

From:Ginny

Subject: Re: HELP ME!

Harry,

Calm down. There are ways of taking care of Rita. Just call Fred and George, tell them their financial backer has a little problem, and... poof! She won't be bothering you again. Alternately, you could just stick to certain stuff you can say. She doesn't have a Quik-Quotes pen on air you know, she can't make you sound stupid if you don't ACT stupid.

-Ginny

P.S. Mum wants to know if you're coming over for the premiere. Ron, Hermione, and I are.

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry

Subject: Premiere

Ginny,

Sounds good, I'll be there. I don't know, the Fred and George thing sounds slightly illegal. Ron thinks we should employ Wormtail, and Hermione is all for blackmail. Your opinion?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Re: Premiere

Harry,

On second thought... don't do anything. This could be very entertaining for the rest of us. I look forward to seeing you make an idiot of yourself on air.

-Ginny

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: I won't make an idiot out of myself.

Ginny,

I was expecting some sympathy from you... clearly not. Ah, well. How bad can she be? Don't answer that, or I think I may have to commit suicide.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny

Subject: I'm not a sympathetic person

Harry,

But think, you would ruin the show. What are they supposed to judge the contestants on if you kill yourself... the most creative way to commit suicide? And how can you give a million dollars to a dead guy? You have to think about the public before you run off and do impetous things like that Harry. The stock market is unstable enough as is.

-Ginny

To: Harry Potter

From: Rita Skeeter

Subject: Your lovely televisions show

Harry,

Well, we meet again. For the first time after your... eventful fourth year at Hogwarts. This time, however, the medium is a reality show. Don't be mistaken Harry. Your friend might have stopped me from WRITING anything nasty about you, but that doesn't mean I can't make you look stupid on television. You can't stop me.

-Rita

To: Rita Skeeter

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Your lovely rant

Rita,

And this is going to serve _what _purpose again? I killed Voldemort, Rita. I'm a hero; anything I do beyond that is immaterial.

-Harry

To: Ron Weasley; Ginny Weasley; Hermione Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: I hate Rita Skeeter

I just got an e-mail from Rita Skeeter telling me that while she can't WRITE degrading things about me, she can make me look stupid on air. I told you I hated her. NOW what am I supposed to do?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione GRANGER

Subject: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Harry,

I am not married to Ron. And even if I were, I don't believe in women changing their names to match their husbands. So I will ALWAYS be Hermione Granger regardless. I would appreciate it if you would stop cracking jokes about me and Ron, at least in things that Ron reads also. It's very embarrassing.

As for Rita Skeeter, I have blackmail on her. All you have to do is say the word, and the world will know she's an illegal Animagi.

-Hermione

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron

Subject: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Harry,

HERMIONE WEASLEY?!?! Do you know something I don't? And why haven't you told me? Two words; Peter Pettigrew. He's the answer to all your problems.

-Ron

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Harry,

Hermione Weasley? Are you trying to make my brother die young? You're doing a good job of it. And hey, if you're don't want to take a little foray on the wrong side of the law, Rita Skeeter is your problem. There's nothing legal you can do to the woman.

-Ginny

To: Hermione GRANGER

From: Harry

Subject: Fine

Hermione,

Hold on to your beliefs if you wish. I'll tell Ron to return the ring.

-Harry

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Ron,

Not to worry about the whole Ron Weasley thing. Hermione just informed me, in no uncertain terms, that she wishes to remain Hermione Granger for ever. I would mock you, but... screw that, I don't have any ethics. GO RETURN THE RING RON, YOU WON'T BE NEEDING IT.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: WAIT A SECOND

Harry,

Wait a second. HOLD UP!!!! WHAT RING ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IS THIS A METAPHORICAL RING, A JOKE, OR DOES IT ACTUALLY EXIST? IF SO, E-MAIL HIM BACK RIGHT NOW! Or else. Don't think I can't blackmail you.

-Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry

Subject: none

Why don't you e-mail him? You don't have any blackmail on me that isn't from school, and no one cares about that now.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione

Subject: Re:

Harry,

Oh really? cough, Ginny, cough

-Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject; Re: Re:

Hermione,

What about Ginny?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: don't pretend you're stupid

Harry,

Shall we simplify this? cough, Ginny, Draco, cough.

-Hermione

To: Hermione

From: Harry

Subject: I think I need more simplification

Hermione,

What about Ginny and Draco? Are they going out? That's slightly traitorous to her family, but why would that matter to me?

-Harry

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: don't be stupid, it's not smart

Harry,

I'm going to lay this out for you. IF you fail to instruct Ron that the ring should NOT be returned, then I will tell DRACO MALFOY that you are in love with GINNY. Capise?

-Hermione

To: Hermione

From: Harry

Subject: I'm not the stupid one

Hermione,

Why would you lie to Draco? True, he could make my life hell if I really WAS in love with Ginny, but as I'm NOT, which will become obvious to him, how is that blackmail?

-Harry

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: none

Stop lying to yourself. And tell him about the ring.

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Fwd: don't be stupid, it's not smart

Ron,

I think you might be interested in the enclosed forward. Your girlfriend is vicious.

-Harry

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: I told him

Now will you stop trying to blackmail me? For someone with your IQ, you're suprisingly bad at it.

-Harry

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: I told him

Harry,

How EXACTLY did you tell him? Was it in clear and concise terms? I need to know these things.

-Hermione

p.s. once again, STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Re: I told him

Hermione,

I forwarded you e-mail entitled 'don't be stupid, it's not smart' to him. Was that clear and concise enough for you?

-Harry

p.s. I like lying to myself. It's fun.

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: none

Harry,

I'm getting married! I'm too happy to be mad at you. And finally, you admitted it. We could have a double wedding.

-Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Congratulations!

Hermione,

Ummm, no thanks. Congratulations on your wedding though. Ron asked me to be the best man. Please don't ask Ginny to be the maid of honor. People get ideas. Now that I'm done being magnimonious, I'm going to get drunk. This stuff scares me.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: Congratulations!

Harry,

Thanks for being supportive... NOT! Too late, I already asked Ginny. So you'll just have to stop people from getting ideas, won't you? You can't go get drunk, Rita's interviewing you tomorrow, and you KNOW she'll ask you about your 'drinking habits' if you do. So don't

-Hermione

p.s. The season premiere is in two days. Ron and I will be there. We're going to tell Mrs. Weasley then.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

by: squirrelgirl123

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: That was fun...

Harry,

Well, your show was... interesting. Your interview wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. The contestants are fantastic. I KNOW THAT ONE GUY FROM WORK!!! He's such a loser, I hope he doesn't win. Anyway, that was fun. I thought I would die when I saw the look on Mum's face when Hermione (the Queen of subltlety herself) asked her if she liked her ring. She's sob buckets at the wedding.

-Ginny

To: Ginny

From: Harry Potter

Subject: NOT THAT BAD... ARE YOU ON DRUGS?

Ginny,

That interview was awful. Terrible. The woman spent ten minutes GRILLING me about my 'relationship' with my parents. I'm not going back. Oh, this was released on the internet, and I am sending it to you so you can see just how bad it was.

Interview between Mr. Harry Potter and Ms. Rita Skeeter

RS: So, what do you think of the show?

HP: I haven't seen it yet.

RS: Surely you have some ideas about the plot?

HP: Well, ah, it's very... smart. You know, people trying to be... me. Er, you know, it's cool.

RS: Would your parents have liked it?

HP: My parents died when I was a year old. I don't know whether they would have liked it.

RS: I sense pain. Are you still sad about your parents, Harry?

HP: Ummm

RS: I remember you confessed to me in fourth year that you still cried about them.

HP: I DID NOT! YOU MADE THAT UP! YOU AND YOUR-

RS: There's no need to be embarrased about it Harry. We all cry sometimes. Now, would they approve of your relationship with Ginny Weasley?

HP: I think they probably wanted me to have friends. I mean, they weren't antisocial or anything.

RS: Ahh, I see. Friends.

HP: Ummm, yeah. Friends. Do you have a problem with that?

RS: No, of course not. Now Harry, do you feel that your parents have been watching over your momentous career in Quidditch?

HP: Can we leave my parents out of this?

RS: Is this a hard subject for you? Do you feel your relationship with them was... dysfunctional in any way?

(HP faints).

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: No, I'm not on drugs. I prefer natural highs, such as caffeine.

Harry,

I personally found your adaptation of the Wronski Feint to be masterful. You can't use it again though. What are you going to do next time, throw up?

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Wronski Feint

Ginny,

I'm working my way through the Skiving Snackboxes... I will always be grateful I had the foresight to be Fred and George's first patron. There are so many benefits.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ludo Bagman

Subject: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?

Harry,

Congratulations are in order! You preformed fantastically with Rita ( I always believed old friends preformed best together.), and the ratings are in! We're very, very high Harry, even for a season premiere. Remember this is a short show... every episode counts. We'll just have to keep them coming, and a bonus check may appear. Only 7 more episodes until the finale! And what a show-stopper it's going to be.

-Ludo

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron and Hermione

Subject: Your Show

Harry,

Congratulations... you're doing very well in the ratings. Ron was especially fond of the Virtu-Voldemort sequence. I believe his exact quote is; "That thing is wicked awesome." I personally enjoy the mental challenges they're putting the contestants through (such as isolation, grief (sending them letters saying a close friend had died and then forbidding them to talk about it to 'preserve the show's integrity' was a stroke of genius) and pressure). I find them to be fascinating.

-Hermione

To: Ron

From: Harry

Subject: My show

Ron,

Why am I getting mail from you AND Hermione? Can't you type?

-Harry

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: your show

Harry,

We were planning the wedding and we thought we'd send you a word of congratulations. The party is ON for next Saturday... it's at Hermione's this time. I thought I would add that the fainting thing was a stroke of genius. You should have done it at the beginning though, and saved yourself the Ginny question. You looked fairly stupid answering it.

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: my show has high ratings

Ron,

On second thought, please let Hermione type all your mail. I prefer discussions on the rigorous mental stimulation the contestants are receiving to blunt criticism of me. And yes, I'll be at the party. I don't know why I subject myself to these things.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Molly Weasley

Subject: I hear your show is doing well!

Harry,

I am thrilled that your show is doing so well in the ratings. I know you thought you didn't do well on the interview, but it added the element of humor, and people do love a good laugh. Hermione has agreed to host the Saturday party this week, and Ginny will take the week after that. You and Ron will have to take responsibility for two of the five remaining weeks. I hope I'll see you at Hermione's! (Just think... she'll be my daughter-in-law in two short months!)

Love,

Mrs. Weasley

To: Mrs. Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: It's doing very well, thanks

Mrs. Weasley,

Thank you... it's doing very well in the ratings. I hope it stays that way. Well, I've heard that the interview was humorous from a lot of people, and while I fail to find the humor in it, I'm happy that you managed to derive some. I'll take the week after Ginny. I have a Quidditch game the day of the season finale, so I might be a bit late. You never know how long these things are going to run.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Peter Pettigrew

Subject: none

Harry,

I watched your show, I thought it was really cool. I'm considering proposing, to Rita Skeeter. If she agrees, will you be our best man? You brought us together.

-Peter

To: Rita Skeeter

From: Peter Pettigrew

Subject: Hello

Rita,

You don't know me (actually, you probably think I'm dead. This is a common misconception, due to the fact that I decided to take a vacation to Switzerland at a critical point in time, and I found it so relaxing that I took up residence there for several years.)

This may come as a surprise to you, but I have e-mailed you to propose marriage. I am one of the forces behind the changing of Harry Potter's life too, and I was startled to find that someone such as yourself was too. What do you say?

Yours truly,

Peter Pettigrew

To: Peter

From: Rita Skeeter

Subject: Re: Hello

Absolutely. Just name the date.

-Rita

To: Peter Pettigrew

From: Harry Potter

Subject: none

Hmmm, will I be the best man for two of the people I hate most in this world? Why not? Just send me the date, and I'll be there. By the way, congratulations.

-Harry


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

by: squirrelgirl123

To: Harry Potter; Ginny Weasley; Molly Weasley; Ron Weasley

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Saturday

It's Saturday people! Come to my place at 8:00 for dinner and dessert before the show. If anyone else in the Weasley family is in town, feel free to forward this to them... everyone's invited!

-Hermione

To: Fred Weasley; George Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Fwd: Saturday

Fred, George,

It's the second episode of my show, and it's at your future sister in law's house. Skip whatever party you were planning on going to and come.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Fred and George

Subject: Re: Fwd: Saturday

Harry,

As if we would miss the chance to mock you in person and on television at the same time. Don't worry... we'll be there.

-George and Fred

To: Hermione

From: Harry Potter

Subject: The twins

Hermione,

Fred and George agreed to come down. This is a good this on your part, but possibly a bad one on mine. Is there such thing as an anti-mockery charm, and if so, can you cast it?

-Harry

To: Hermione Granger

From: George and Fred

Subject: Saturday Night (we're appearing live)

Hermione,

As our good friend Harry may have informed you, we're plannign on going to your party tonight. As our soon-to-be sister-in-law, we would advise you to conspire on OUR side. We have anti-mockery charm wards; we find them to be very... useful.

-Fred and George

To: Fred and George

From: Hermione

Subject: I AM on your side.

Guys,

Fear not. I wasn't planning on setting up any charms.

-Hermione

To: Hermione

From: George and Fred

Subject: Fantastic! See you at eight.

This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Would you be interested in a job at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes? We could put your talents to good use.

-Fred and George

To: Fred and George

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Employment

George and Fred,

I think I would enjoy working for you. I'm sure I will find it very... intellectually stimulating. However, I can't start working until after the honeymoon so... September? Just in time for Hogwarts season.

-Hermione

To: Our Future Employee (and sister-in-law)

From: Your Employers

Excellent.

-Fred and George

To: Hermione

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Thanks for hosting....

Hermione,

Thanks for hosting the party, it was very nice. (What's this I hear about you working with Fred and George though?) I think I managed with Rita a little better.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: Thanks for hosting...

Harry,

It was no trouble; seeing everyone together again was well worth it, don't you think? As for the rumor you heard, it is indeed true. I start work September 1st. Yes, I thought your preformance with Rita was better. You're improving Harry.

-Hermione

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny

Subject: Rita Skeeter and various pests

Harry,

Your interview showed marked improvement... taking the Puking Pastille 30 seconds in was a stroke of genius. Although... what were Fred and George playing at, having a commercial for the Skiving Snackboxes right after that segmert? People are dumb, but not that dumb. Someone is going to call your bluff, Harry. You need an alternative.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Rita Skeeter and various pests

Ginny,

It's Fred and George. They like living life on the edge, although if they try another stunt like that, they might be OFF the edge, get my drift? And what do you suggest as an alternative? Nothing stops her from asking me embarrassing/prying/downright annoying questions, except for physical illness. What do you suggest, knocking HER out?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny

Subject: Not quite...

I think you should grill her about Peter for the season finale... the public has a right to know!

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Who's the genius now?

Ginny,

That's BRILLIANT! I'm working on my script as we speak, I'm going to have to memorize a lot of stuff. Anyway, the week is passing quickly... your turn in three days. When should I be there?

-Ginny

To: Harry Potter; Mum; The Twins; Ron; Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: It's my turn!

Various Friends and/or Relatives,

It has come to my attention that Saturday's party is occuring at my house. I think I need a calendar. Anyway, please arrive between 7:30 and 8:00 bearing some sort of appetizer/dessert. For the cooking-impaired, drinks would be appreciated.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Rita Skeeter

Subject: Interviews

Ginny,

I got word of your little fandango today through my people. May I come and interview you and Harry for a special piece in the show?

-Rita

To: Rita Skeeter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Re: Inteviews

Rita,

While I admit that you have the right to say whatever you want about me on air, I refuse to allow you in my home, especially to inteview me. You may not quote this document on your segment of "Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?". On a more upbeat note, congratulations on the wedding. I hope you're wedding is pleasant.

-Ginny Weasley

To: Peter Pettigrew

From: Rita Skeeter

Subject: Our Wedding

Peter,

Have you been telling people about the wedding? I thought we agreed that this would be a small ceremony; remember? That's what I've always wanted.

-Rita

To: Rita

From: Peter Pettigrew

Subject: Re: Our Wedding

Rita,

The only person who (to my knowledge) knows about the wedding besides for us is Harry Potter. I correspond with him via e-mail, and he is going to be my best man.

-Peter

To: Peter Pettigrew

From: Rita Skeeter

Subject: You're brilliant!

I would have chosen Harry too, darling. That's perfect!

-Rita

To: Ginny

From: Mum

Subject: The party

Ginny,

We're running a little late, as your father got home half an hour AFTER he said he would. We'll be there as soon as possible, please tape the show in case we miss some of it!

-Mum

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Your interviews just keep getting better

Harry,

Well, you escaped looking stupid ALMOST entirely in that last interview. I realize you couldn't use the Nosebleed Nougat too soon, in order to keep things looking realistic, but still; you should have stopped her from bringing Colin Creevey on the show. You could at least have remembered who he was, I thought I would die when he started crying.

-Ginny

p.s. I do feel bad for him, but come on, we had to get a restraining order on him in sixth year because his flash photography was distracting the Quidditch players.

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry

Subject: Colin Creevey

Ginny,

I should have remembered him, especially since he was my stalker during most of my life at Hogwarts. That doesn't mean I feel bad for forgetting who he was... it's Rita's fault for bringing all these Hogwarts people on the show. I'm all set for the finale... the tables are (finally) going to be turned on her.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Colin Creevey

Subject: I'm sorry

Harry,

I'm so sorry I slapped you. I felt especially bad when it gave you a bloody nose (I didn't know I hit that hard!). I did get some awesome shots though, so if you're interested, give me a call. Dennis pointed out that sobbing hysterically and htting you might not have been the most mature reaction. I think I might have been overreacting a little, sorry about that.

-Colin

To: Colin Creevey

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: I'm sorry

Colin,

Don't worry about it, I'm fine. Sorry I couldn't remember your name and all, I have a really bad memory. I think I'll skip the pictures, but thanks for the offer.

-Harry

To: Dennis Creevey

From: Colin Creevey

Subject: HE E-MAILED ME!

Dennis,

You'll never guess what happened today. HARRY POTTER E-MAILED ME! I laminated it, and I'm putting it in the Harry Files. Can you believe it? Maybe Harry will finally remember my name. (I decided against putting the show transcript in the Files, as I feel it portrays me in a negative way. The reporter was probably biased against me.)

-Colin


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

by: squirrelgirl123

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Finale is this Saturday!

Harry,

Well,we made it through those weeks cooking. I don't know about you, but it took forever to clean up my flat. I never really got the hang of cleaning charms. Anyway, we're all going to Fred and George's for the season finale. It's not guaranteed trick free, so be careful what you eat, where you sit, ect. You never know what they might have thought up.

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Finale is this Saturday!

Ron,

FINALLY! I was running out of ways to escape Rita. I know you all did your best, but... I'm glad the last interview is this Saturday. I got a lot of letters telling me how they enjoyed my 'funny antics' and stuff, not sure what they mean by that. All I was trying to do was to get out of there, not to amuse anyone.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: I relate... thinking up escape plans was hard

Harry,

I think it's good that people thought all the stuff you did was 'funny antics'. Otherwise, they might question your motives with the whole attempting to strangle yourself with the lamp cord thing.

-Ron

p.s. RS: Excuse me, Harry, what are you doing?

HP: I'm strangling myself with the cord of this lamp, because I can't take any more of this.

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: yeah well

Ron,

Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. After reading FIVE articles about why I chose to use a lamp cord, I'm not so sure. (interestingly enough, all five magazines neglected to mention what it meant that I was attempting to strangle myself with a lamp cord. Appearantly,that's too mundane for the general public.)

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: none

Harry,

Shoot Rita, see what the magazines think of that. I wonder whether they'd anylyze the type of gun or choice of target?

-Ron

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re:

Don't tempt me.

-Harry

p.s. type of gun, they're not smart enough for choice of target.

To: Harry Potter

From: Rita Skeeter

Subject: Finale

Harry,

You may have managed to not answer my most hard-hitting questions until now, but I'm going to make headlines this Sunday, and to do that, I'll have some... suprises for you this Friday.

-Rita

To: Rita Skeeter

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Finale

Rita,

You might be the one surprised this Friday.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Thanks for the tickets!

Harry,

Thanks for the tickets to the England vs. Bulgaria match; I wouldn't miss it. (Pity Krum retired, I would have loved to see you guys fight it out.) It's projected length is three hours, so we should JUST make the party at the twin's house.

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Thanks for the tickets!

Ginny,

It's not a problem... I figured you hadn't been to a Quidditch match in a while, and I thought you might enjoy it. Good, we can make it to Fred and George's. It should be hilarious. See you at four!

-Harry

To: Fred and George

From: Harry Potter

Subject: My Quidditch match

George and Fred,

As I told you earlier, Ginny is coming to my match, and we'll probably be a little late for the party. I'll catch the Snitch as soon as tactically possible.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Gred and Forge

Subject: Late is good...

Harry,

Don't worry about it. We'll rig some EXTRA suprises for the latecomers, just to make it worth your while. After all, we wouldn't want to deprive anyone of the entertainment.

-Fred and George


	7. Chapter 7: The End

Chapter 7: The Season Finale

by: squirrelgirl123

Harry's Quidditch match had ran a suprising four hours, twenty three minutes, and he was very late for Fred and George's party for the finale. He had told Ginny to go ahead while he got ready, and he was now running through the streets of Diagon Alley, trying to get to there as soon as possible.

At the corner of Florian Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, he heard screaming, and a high pitched laugh that... no. There was no way Lord Voldemort was around the corner. It was just too bizarre. As Harry prepared to peer around the building, he was plowed over by a large woman in tweed robes and spiky pumps.

Painfully, Harry peeled himself off the ground, checking for puncture wounds. He limped into the ice cream parlor, barely evading a stampede of witches and wizards. Mr. Fortescue himself was hiding behind the counter of the shop; Harry could see his eyes peering nervously at him from behind a model of an ice cream sundae.

Thoughts of the party aside, Harry slipped through the back door of the ice cream parlor, right into a extraordinary spectacle. A group of people who looked vaguely familiar were huddled together, while Voldemort giggled, a manic glint in his eye. He was apparantly conversing with Peter Pettigrew (_The traitor! _Harry thought indignantly) in an attempt to decide who to kill first.

Harry drew his wand, not pausing to think how improbable the entire thing was. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry shouted, pointing the wand directly at Voldemort.

The spell went through him with a swoosh, then hit a sqirrel sitting in a rather unfortunately positioned tree. The squirrel fell to the ground with an audible thunk.

"What?" Harry muttered anxiously, not comprehending. "That ALWAYS works. I mean, it's foolproof."

"Not now!" Voldemort informed him, chuckling insanely.

"Hey, what are you doing?" a man asked him, breaking away from the huddle.

"I'm taking care of him for you." Harry said, pointing at the obviously evil figure standing several yards away.

He directed his attention away from the little group, pointing his wand again. Bringing to mind every curse he knew, Harry began to shout. Voldemort quaked in fear (_Something is very wrong with this picture._Harry thought) but made no move to attack. Finally, a scant three minutes later, Voldemort grew boils and spontaneously combusted.

Harry braced himself for a shower of blood, but it never came. Finally, he opened his eyes, which widened at the sight they were taking in. Instead of blood, there was mechanical parts strewn every which way. A lone spring was bouncing on the pavement.

"Oh, God." Harry said, suddenly understanding. "I've killed Virtu-Voldemort."

The same man who had spoken to him before approached him again. "Well, congratualations." he said, looking a bit disconsolate. "You've won a million galleons, and you're the next Harry Potter.'

"I can't be the next Harry Potter." Harry told him, sighing. "I _am _Harry Potter." He disappearated with a pop. He was far too late for the party already.

Harry was made to relate his story many times, as it all played out on the television. Fred and George passed around a bowl of chips, snorting with laughter as Harry explained what had happened after he had 'slain' Voldemort.

Out on the veranda, Harry and Ginny were finally alone. Harry looked deeply into Ginny's brown eyes, took a deep breath and said, "There was one thing that kept running through my mind when I was fighting Voldemort."

"Yes, Harry?" Ginny said, prompting him.

"I just kept thinking-"

"Yes Harry?"  
"How much I wanted a Coca-Cola 2. I mean... half the carbs, half the calories, and all the great taste!"

"Oh, _Harry_!"

Harry and Ginny engaged in a long, movie-style kiss, while everyone looked on through the french doors.

THE END

_This, in my opinion, was a perfect ending. I love blatant product placement. However, as a true Coca-Cola fan, I feel obliged to say that nothing beats the original. And I'm sorry about the dead squirrel. Believe me, I've had many sleepless nights over killing it off... _


End file.
